"Mom, can I go see Luke now?" Arlyn asked, jangling her car keys in her hand.
Hmmm, I thought. Since when had Arlyn asked for permission to go anywhere? She was eighteen; she had graduated from high school two months before.
"Of course," I replied. Maybe Arlyn wasn't eager to leave home, after all. I worried about whether she would be strong enough to survive the rough, scary world outside our safe nest in rural Georgia. Sometimes she accused me of being over-protective, In two weeks, however, Arlyn would leave for college, whether she was ready or not.
But I was wrong. Very wrong. She did not wait two weeks to leave; she left that very afternoon.
Arlyn said good-bye and drove out into the country. She turned down a long, deserted dirt road and parked her car near a stream. She got out, took an old hunting rifle out of the truck, placed its barrel into her mouth and pulled the trigger.
Around 3:30, I answered a knock on my door. A man identified himself as a deputy and walked in. He strode across the room to a large photograph hanging on the wall. "Is this your daughter?" he asked, as he glanced from the picture to me.
"Yes," I replied proudly, too surprised to realize that this was not a social call. "That's Arlyn."
He stared at the picture for a moment, then sat down in a chair near the door. He described Arlyn's car, and I confirmed it was hers. Then he said, " Your daughter is dead." Just like that.
I wrote and gave the eulogy for my daughter's funeral. For a week, I had no time to think, no time to feel, just time to exist. I functioned as a wooden puppet whose jerky movements are the result of strings pulled by an invisible hand. Others quietly kept order in my surroundings.
Then my family and friends left, and I could feel the silence. I called my child's name aloud, over and over. The telephone rang; I picked it up and waited to hear her voice on the other end, but it was never her. I checked her bedroom a thousand times, hoping to see her, but all I saw was her worn stuffed bunny lying on her pillow. Her clothes hung in her closet and her acceptance letter to the university lay on the floor. When I heard the back door open, I would smile. I expected Arlyn, with her guitar slung over her shoulder, to dance in and give me a hug. When someone else appeared, my smile faded and my heart went numb.
I held on to the fantasy that Arlyn would return. I sat in her car, breathing in her lingering scent. I listened to her music, and I wore some of her clothes.
One night, I drank tea at her favorite coffee shop. A tall, slender brunette with long hair walked in; I leaned forward to get a better look. I stood up, ready to dash across the room and through my arms around her; but when she moved, I saw that she was not Arlyn. At night, I lay in bed stiffly, corpse-like. I stared blankly at the ceiling hour upon hour, until the morning light slipped through the blinds. Then I would get up; or I wouldn't.
Every minute of the day, I struggled desperately to understand what had happened. Arlyn would never have killed herself. My daughter found joy in living; she laughed, learned and loved. Arlyn was in tune with nature and peace. How could she have taken her own life?
I ransacked her bedroom, searching for clues. In her closet, in dresser drawers, under her bed and on shelves, I found several journals and dozens of pages of her writing. I collected them all into one mountainous pile. Then I sat down to read.
"I keep asking myself why. For my entire life, all I have ever wanted was to be dead, to not be. Why?" she had written. " I don't know why I didn't kill myself in fifth grade when I had the chance,' she had also written. I shook my head, confused. The handwriting was Arlyn's, but these words could not be hers.
I thought back to when Arlyn was in sixth grade, ten years old. One day, the school held a talent contest. Arlyn signed up to sing. She picked out a long, green Victorian style dress to wear, and I tied a matching bow in her hair.
When Arlyn stepped up in front of the crowd and took the microphone in her hand, she scanned the audience until she spotted me. Then she smiled. The students talked and laughed with each other, ignoring the shy little girl standing in front of them. I wanted to shout at them to pay attention, but I couldn't.
The music started, and Arlyn began to sing. Her song was "Wind Beneath My wings," one popularized by Bette Midler. After a moment, the students stopped chatting and noticed Arlyn. Her strong voice caressed them gently, and focused completely on her.
That afternoon as we drove home, I glanced at the small trophy in her lap. "When you sing,' I asked, "Do you think about the words?" Arlyn replied, "When I sing 'Wind Beneath My Wings,' I always think of you."
But now, Arlyn was dead, and I was in her bedroom, reading that she had wanted to kill herself in fifth grade. I couldn't comprehend. My husband and I turned her writings over to a psychiatrist. He said he would do a "psychological autopsy" (an evaluation of someone based on information from writings or other sources). A few weeks later, he called us in.
He told us that Arlyn was manic-depressive. He said she knew "something" was not right, so she had been tormented by confusion and shame and fear. He explained that the chemicals in her mind were imbalanced and that they had altered her perception of reality. This chemical imbalance had also produced her thoughts of suicide.
The psychiatrist also told us that her brilliant mind made it possible for Arlyn to hide this part of herself from others. He insisted she did not want to die.
I went home and devoured materials on manic depression (also called bipolar disorder) and on suicide. I began to understand that Arlyn may have viewed death as an escape from emotional pain. It was as though her heart was carrying a heavy weight, and it became unbearable.
So Arlyn, my sensitive, fragile child, carried this burden inside her for years; but one day, she simply could not carry any more. She knew that if she just stopped walking, that if she closed her eyes and let go, the weight would go away forever. So, she killed herself.
A common theme in science fiction is projecting ourselves into the future. Some of us visit psychics, in hopes of learning what tomorrow will bring. Of course, we only want to hear about the "good" things. We know bad things happen, but we generally don't expect them to happen to us.
If we really knew the future, we would alter our behavior profoundly. Since we don't, however, we simply plod along, oblivious to the fact that disaster may happen at any moment. If I had known Arlyn's last day alive would have been August 7, 1996, I would have focused on her exclusively. I would have quit my job to spend more time with her. I would have unplugged the telephone and television, so I could listen to her more carefully. I would not have let her out of my sight for even a nanosecond, so I could have savored her presence. Nothing else would have mattered. But I did not know.
One of the most profound lessons Arlyn's death has taught me is that the only guaranteed moment is this one; therefore, if we live our lives expecting a future that may not exist, we may regret our choices forever. This knowledge should inspire us to change the way we interact with others. We may choose to treat those we care about with extra attention and sensitivity every moment of every day, or we may plod on about our lives, oblivious to the reality that each moment could be our last- or theirs.
It only takes a little more effort to listen carefully, to give an extra hug, to say kind words. A moment given now may prevent a lifetime of regret. In closing, I'd like to offer you words from the author Harriet Beecher Stowe. She wrote, "The bitterness tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."
----- Karyl Beal
Chicken Soup for the Unsinkable Soul
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WATER: TEARS OF US!
I have to write this. I have to…else there is the chance that I might get mad or even die. There is heaviness in my whole body especially in my heart and it is tormenting my mind. It seems as if my whole being is questioned. I don’t know if I can think properly and live normally when the whole world of mine has turned upside down.
Yesterday was a day I cried. Cried…you will think women usually CRY! No, not me including many women you have not met yet. We know our tears. It is precious to us! It doesn’t only wash our pain in this world which you have so kindly made ONLY yours, it also makes us strong to live and struggle for life and death.
Drops by drops my tears fell from my eyes. And I let them fall. That was my tribute to those who changed the traditional social evils for us but had to live the life of hell themselves. I saluted their bravery, bowed by head for their determination…their vision and their search for Truth.
I knew it was just a movie. A movie that dealt with problems of widow-system in India during early 19th century. Still, from the starting of the movie, I totally forgot it was just a movie. I could not hold myself in one piece. I felt I was the one suffering in that screen. It hit me right in my heart.
The year is 1938. It starts with Chuiya; a young girl of about seven years old who suddenly finds herself a widow. She even doesn’t remember she was married and she had a husband, still her hair is shaved and she is given the white clothes to put on. And, as the society demands she is sent to a widow house where she dreams of returning home one day as she truly believes her Ma will come to take her from there. But, then with time she realizes her dream was an illusion. She becomes an old lady in her childhood. She looses her childishness that had brought little bit of colour in the house and becomes used to with the colour of back and white. In the house, she mainly becomes close to other two widows: a young woman Kalyani (Lisa Ray) and middle aged woman Kaushlyadevi (Sheema). Both of them also don’t remember who their husbands were as when they became widow they were of same age as Chuiya. Kalyani is a beautiful woman and she is used as a money maker by house’s main widow (Moti-Budhi as Chuiya calls her) by sending her to sleep with high-class people of that place. She is allowed to put long hair and in different room far from other widows. Her revolt starts unknowingly when she keeps a dog without others knowledge. This revolt of hers leads to the decision of her re-marriage with a young man Narayan (John Abraham), student of Law who is though from higher family believes in equality and re-structuring of society. He is one of the followers of Gandhi who fought to bring the changes in the condition of widows as well. But, she is punished for her decision, her hair is chopped and she is locked in the room by the “Moti-budhi” and convinces others that sin will be upon them if Kalyani re-marries.
Devastated with grieve and helplessness of Kalyani, Chuiya kills the Mitthu; a parrot of “Moti-Budhi” while Kaushlyadevi who spends her life in search of salvation (god) by listening to Priest preaching Veda asks priest if widows could re-marry. He says Veda gives widows three options: to go Sati on her husband’s pyre, spend whole life as a punishment in search of salvation by ignoring every human desires of happiness and pleasure or to marry with the younger brother of her previous husband. But, he also adds that recently the nation had passed one law that supported widow marriage. This gives her strength to free Kalyani to go to marry Narayan. Kalyani runs to meet Narayan and he takes her to his home to get married. Suddenly, on their half way to his home after knowing the name of his father Kalyani decides against her decision of marriage with Narayan. Later Narayan knows his idle father’s true face; the face of hypocrisy; the face of women exploiter.
Kalyani returns to the widow house but she is not allowed to enter by the Moti-Budhi. With no where to go, she decides to drown herself to death. Her death brings chaos in the life of Chuiya and Kaushlyadevi. Chuiya wants to go home again while Kaushalya tries to find the truth of life. At this time, the incident of Chuiya being sent to the house of high class person as Kalyani was sent to by Mot-Budhi changes everything. When Kaushalya finds Chuiya physically abused (raped) she looks after the sick Chuiya. At the same time she hears Gandhi was in their town so carrying Chuiya she goes there to see him. Gandhi before leaving the place by train says, “Brothers and sisters, before I used to believe God was Truth but now I have come to realize Truth is the God! “. Kaushalya runs after train and gives Chuiya to Narayan telling him to give her to Gandhi. She stands in rail-track looking at train then at the place where she came from. This way, there is a beginning of their new life; Chuiya is able to leave the society which is so rooted in the mud that would have engulfed her if she had not left while Kaushalya is sure to defy the exploitation done upon widows as she knowswhat is the Truth of life. This is their new beginning…
The movie is fantastic. Thanks to Deepa Mehta who has been able to show the society of that time through the eyes of three women of different generation. She has given birth to three most amazing women of that time who are within us too.
Apart from the story, cast and the presentation what I appreciate most is the use of symbols in the movie. Everything is presented symbolizing something and yet within this also there is simplicity to understand what it really wants to give. The title of the movie; “WATER” is itself very symbolic. Water…must have been made from the tears of those women who were forced to detach themselves from society, exploited by the higher class people and kept away from their desires. It also could mean the society where women like Kalyani are drowned to death and like Chuiya will have to struggle to bloom like a lotus flower does in the muddy water.
At last, I wonder why Indian Hindu fundamentalist vandalized the filming set of the Oscar nominated movie. People might think it is the movie condemning the Hindu religion. But, I didn’t find such thing in the movie. Is has certainly condemned the society but not religion. And even if it is to condemn the religion there was that kind of trend during that time, its written in the history so when someone tries to show that part of society why to get so aggressive and violent. Moreover, there is balance in the movie, it is not condemning the religion but to those people who have misread and followed it according to their vested interest in the name of religion. Narayan stands for the person who has understood the true religion. He, playing flute murali) shows his love towards his religion (Krishna). He and the Priest who reads Veda to widows are standing as an idol Hindu people. They have understood and followed their religion in right way. So, more than saying it against the religion we should say that this movie is against the people who forced the society to become the vase to fulfil their vested interest in the name of religion. It is against the so-called high class, intellectual people who mislead the society.
This movie gave me insight that I was unable to achieve before. My life will never be same from this day. WATER has changed something inside me…it has awakened me for good!
Tomorrow I am going to celebrate my 75th birthday!
I know, my husband is going to celebrate it exactly the way he has been celebrating it every year for 10 years.
Early morning, he will wake up and whisper me a "birthday song" that he wrote it for me when we had celebrated my birthday together for the first time. With a bright smile of his he will then look up at my photo that's hanging on the wall in front of him. With tears in his eyes he will come near and give a kiss to it. Touching his heart then he will go to the park that we had painted with our laughs and shaded with our tears. In that park, there is the old broken wooden bench where we sat every time we visited the park and created our most intimate memories. He will sit on that bench, carefully put a red rose on the right side of bench where I always sat. He will sit there whole day remembering all those vividmemories that made our life so great. During day if he finds some good listener, he will tell the person our simple love story which was great in itself from first meeting to the last goodbye.
Exactly 55 years back I had met him when I was participating in a special program. Umm…I don't know what was the program about but it was a special program. I remember it because I met the most special person of my life there – my life partner- with whom I was to spent my coming 40 golden years.
That day I was sitting with my friends; and attending the program had never been that boring in life. I was about to doze again ignoring my friends' annoyed murmurs about my sleepy-habit when I heard an opening of the door that made my head turn lazily towards it. There…there…my poor sleepyhead! From that moment it hardly got chance to sleep without the dreams of him in it. Because when my eyes set upon him I couldn't stop myself from staring. Like a fool I stared and stared with my mouths open at what I was seeing. I thought he was an apparition of a Cupid himself.
He must have felt something as he slowly turned and looked straight in my eyes. Oh boy! It shook my whole body with awe. I could do nothing, neither stop staring nor give my always ready dazzling-smile nor turn my head towards anything. Oh…yeah…wait, I remember one thing I did…I stopped breathing! What kind of magic or energy was it I have not found answer to it till today. But, I am sure it was a magic. What else could it be because what he could do to me has never been able to do by anybody. He just hold me right there with his eyes and I could do nothing…I mean Nothing! Not even blink my eyes. I felt butterflies in my stomach and so so helpless at my stupid behaviors. With the helpless feeling and frustrated at myself I was trying to come to my terms and do something when the most sweetest thing happened that was better than any chocolates of the whole world I had ever tasted in life – He Smiled! – that was how I fell head over heels in love with him.
Now, as I see him sleeping there the feeling that I feel in my heart is as it was at the first meeting, if not more. He still makes me breathless and restless. Even when I think of him butterflies are always there in my stomach. As I recall our life, from boyfriend and girlfriends we became husband and wife then parents and then grandparents. Everything changed, our responsibilities changed, our status changed, our life changed but what didn't change with changing time and changing circumstances is our love; love that brought power to cross every boundaries, every barriers.
It has been nearly 10 years since we said our last goodbye to each-other. He is in the world of life and I am in the world of death. But, nothing has changed between us. I still feel that magic, that energy of his which gives life to me and I know it is the same with him. He knows I am always around him to support and to love him the way he does to me.
Anyway, tomorrow is my birthday and I am celebrating it with him by sitting next to him on our bench listening him say his part of our-story. Call it a woman nature but I am worried a little as I am going to be 75 years old tomorrow I wonder if I have grown too old. May be he thinks I have grown old and not so beautiful anymore. I am going to ask him the question. If he says I am old and not beautiful then he better watch his mouth. He is gonna regret saying that and might as well have to spent days without me talking to him!
I have always felt that I was born in wild. Wild - where I grew up, where I bloomed. I loved the way air smelled there, loved being covered with dry leaves. A wild flower, a wild life!
But, one day in the world of well wishers, one of the well-wishers' saw me and thought I was too beautiful to be in wild. He must have thought who would protect me from rain, sunny days, birds or animals. So with every care of the world, he removed me from my ground. He took special care that none of my roots were damaged. I appreciated it!
He brought me to his world; planted me on his beautiful garden where lots of other flowers made of plastics were blooming. It was safe there. I was totally protected from almost everything. Temperature was just perfect for me, neither too cold nor too hot. Fences were around me so there was no fear of animals stamping me under their feet, no fear of heavy rain nor a flood. Everything was there. Soil under me were made nurtures for me. Never had to worry about water, nor food. Everything was provided in certain periods of time. I was fed!
He used to come to see me from time to time. Always looked at me with admiring eyes. It seemed as if I was the most precious thing in the world. I always enjoyed it. It was flattering! Later on he even brought his lots of friends to show me to them. Everyone looked awestruck by the bluish red color of my petals. They couldn't help themselves from touching me and smelling me. It felt good to have so many people interested on me so much. I smiled at them!
However, I always have a great wish to return to my home. I miss the smell of air, miss the damp sweet smelling soil, miss the sound of dry leaves falling around me, miss the music of rain which was always great to dance in. This world of love and protection is not my world. I love the attention, care given by him but this is not my world. I have always felt I don't belong here. Not that I have not tried to adjust in this world but my colors of petals, my whole being is changing, it is fading away… I am about to be just like others…plastic! So, I long for my wild where I was what I was. I didn't had to turn into something else to make someone happy.
Let me tell you a story. A story about a girl. Girl that always wanted to die. Die…why? She herself didn't know the answer. But one thing was for sure there was a time when she would have been shocked if she had thought about killing herself.
When I had met her for the first time she had given me a bright smile with her introduction. Within minutes I had felt I knew her for years. She made me feel as comfortable as I am with myself. I thought I could talk about anything with her, share every dreams, every secrets, every smile and tears. That day she had walked into my heart and had made it her forever.
It seemed to me that she loved everything and almost everyone. Never complained about her life that was very simple when others observed. And, there was something about her that made her special. Special in a way that everyone loved her and appreciated her. Her sweet and all the time ready smile was something worth waiting for her arrival. That beautiful smile of hers was must for lots of people to have a beautiful day.
I had thought she must have never been touched by a wind that carries pain and tears as she was always jolly and always used to find something funny in everything to laugh about. But, if a person laugh, jokes and smiles all the time; it really doesn't mean that the person is happy and doesn't have any problems in life. I knew about it better on that day when I was roaming round SwayembhuNath. I was sitting on a little stone and trying to think about something good when I suddenly saw a familiar figure squatting near a tree which was near enough for me to see what was going on. I smiled when I realized it was her. But, I was surprised to find her so vulnerable. She seemed she was about to collapse. Her whole body seemed to be burning in pain. From where I sat I could see her tears rolling down her face. I could feel her pain right in my heart. I couldn't go to her and console or ask her anything because something made me see that she wanted to be by herself. Must have been her body language.She let those precious tears fall from her eyes for about a hour. Then she stood up, touched a tree with her left hand and said something to it or was it for someone else, God, who knows. She stood there for long time till her tears stopped and dried. And then she left. I just sat there staring at the tree where she had stood there and cried for long time. It felt like though she had left her pain was still there. My heart became heavy and my sight blurred with tears so I left the place as soon as possible without looking back.
Next day she didn't come to college. I had prepared myself to make her feel good and may be help in someway to lessen her pain. So, I waited for another day, another day and another day but she never came.
About a month later, I heard from friends that she was sick, nothing serious, no wounds, no disease, just sick then sometimes later I heard she had died. Died… how? Doctors never knew. They just knew she had nothing wrong with her body but still she died.
I know why…she was in pain, pain of loosing someone she loved more than anything in her life. I had seen it in her eyes. That pain could kill anyone. However, what she lost I also don't know…could be her love or could be her identity, could be anything!
This is a Thank you letter with a special request from ‘me’ to ‘You’.
God, this is my story after you sent me “there”. I am writing you this as you may not know what exactly happened though it is said you are Everywhere.
I felt my first heartbeat when I was fractions of second old. I was there quietly sleeping inside her womb. I was so tiny at that time that I was afraid of being lost. But, as seconds turned into minutes and minutes into hours, hours to days, days to weeks and weeks to months I felt my body taking shape. That’s when I knew she felt me inside her and I could feel her happiness. And to my surprise I found myself happy too. At that moment I knew I was part of her. Her every heartbeat was connected to mine. Her every breath was mine and her every smile made me smile. Though I couldn’t see her I knew she was very beautiful and kind-hearted woman. After all she was the one whom I would be calling “Mother” as soon as I started talking. I loved her and I knew she loved me too. I could feel her love though I was merely two months old. I knew after nine months in her womb I would be on her lap smiling at her. Her lap was waiting for me. The world outside the womb was waiting for me. I wanted to be nine months old so much that I felt I could not wait any longer to feel the world of my Mother. But, what to do? I could do nothing against the nature’s rules. But I knew one day I was going to feel it and touch it with my hands. I was so sure of everything and so eager for everything.
But something happened when I was about three months old that destroyed my whole dreams of being part of my mother’s world. That day I felt my Mother crying bitterly which was very strange to me. She had never done that before. I could hear someone yelling at my mother with words ‘We don’t want Her’ time to time. I didn’t know what exactly those words meant. That night my mother cried like anything. I cried too; knowing nothing. At that time how much I wished to make her stop crying and tell her how much I loved her. I thought she was crying because I was not being good as I tried to move here and there. So, I promised myself not to move so much and disturb her.
A week later, I was quietly sleeping as I had promised not to make any movement that would hurt my mother. Suddenly, I felt something evil moving towards me. I tried not to let it touch me but it was everywhere. I couldn’t hide from it. It attacked me like a hungry vulture in stories and I screamed from those terrible pains I felt from its touch. In seconds, the pain was everywhere in my body. It was parting me from myself. I could feel my heart beat slowing down. The pain was making me hard to breath. I shouted with all my force, “Mother, Help Me! Mother Help Me…” I could feel my body melting but I didn’t stop shouting for help until I arrived at a point where I felt nothing.
When my eyes opened, I was not in my mother’s womb anymore. I was sleeping on the clouds. It was so beautiful and so soft. There was no pain in my body nor my body was melting. I was perfectly fine. I looked around and saw an angel with two wings and sweet smile on her beautiful face as my mother had described in those stories before sleep. I was flying with her. When I asked her why I was not in my mother’s womb she said they didn’t want me that’s why YOU had sent her for me to save me from further pain. So, God I want to thank you for your help.
As you are aware I believe, now I am living with other lovely angels along with the one you had sent for me. They all love me very much and I know they all want me though my to-be parents didn’t. The place where I live is called Heaven (as I am told). It is so beautiful. More beautiful than my to-be mother had described.
There is love everywhere. No matter who I am they accept me. They love me and want me for what I am. So, thank you God for giving me this beautiful world with beautiful people. I am very happy here so Please God don’t send me “there” again. I am not welcome there, You know!
Thanking you!!!
Yours sincerely,
3 months old baby.
By Smita Magar
26th march 2005
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LOVEUNEXPRESSED!!!
It started…I don’t know when and how. It just started…My heart leaped up at a glance of him. When they saw him walking across our college, most students (specially girls) could not help but notice him. He was tall and lanky with Aryan look; he had beautiful black eyes just perfect on his fair complexion. His wet-silky black hair flipped back above his forehead and his eyebrows always cocked upward when he was in deep conversation with teachers, friends and everybody. He was tender, thoughtful, charming and profound. And one thing he never forgot to carry with him…SMILE. It was breathtaking.
------ I was scared of him. -------
I used to sit at the second front bench in classroom with my best friend who sat next-left to me. One day I told her about my strange feelings for him and showed him to her. She looked at me with her loving eyes and teasing smile. From that day on, whenever he used to pass by us we looked at each other and giggle. Sometimes when only one of us saw him passing by we’d slightly give a push or pinch to another and we ‘d both look (pretending not) at him till he disappeared from our sight. Then we’d look at each other and give a sigh with smile. After sometime you could hear our giggly laughter again.
He scared me because he was a real heartthrob and brilliant. When I used to see him I don’t know what used to happen to me that my heart used to beat so fast and loud that I could feel my chest jumping and hear the every beat of my heart clearly. Once I was heading for my class when I suddenly found myself FACE TO FACE with him. My heart stopped. I don’t remember what I did but he stared me which I can say ‘a long stare’ then gave me a loving smile and walked away. I didn’t dare to look back at him. I stood there like a statue; I don’t know for how long. Later I was sitting in my class…still trembling with red-hot face.
I was an ambitious teenage girl. I had my own goal, own destiny and a dream to fulfill. And…and that was the reason why I was scared of him. My feelings for him was beyond friendship…and I was afraid thinking those feelings may mislead me and stop me from what I wanted to be. So, I suppressed my emotions that were for him…just for him. When I ignored them I felt enough pain in my heart. I used to burst in tears as it was so hard to control and the pain was unbearable. I used to cry myself to sleep every night. Anyway, I managed to go on for my ambition ignoring my emotions for him. But my eyes never stopped searching for just a glance of him.
Seven months after I had met him, he left college as he had completed his course. And I…I had to stay one more year to complete my course. –He was one batch senior than me. – Again, I went through the same emotional pain. Only the difference was that this one was more stronger and more painful than previous one.
Now, I’ve achieved my dreams and I am ready for the warm relationship with him and I suddenly realize that he has gone too far for me to reach. I have lost him. But still my eyes are searching for a glance of him in every crowd that passes by me or I pass by and my heart is beating for a warm nearness of him.
I wonder if he ever knew about it…
In closing, I’d like to offer you words from Barbara De Angelis. She wrote, “ You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.” If only I had told him that I loved him; he could have been standing on my side and I could have got everything I wished for because I would have the greatest boon of world - “His Love”.
